Saturday, September 10, 2016

Abandon All Hope, Part Four: NFC Predictions.

(Written during the week, some tinkering after Thursday night's opener.)

NFC EAST

Divisionals: NFC North, AFC North

No gifts here for a division that is, to be polite, a mess.

WASHINGTON (9-7 Pythagorean +0.78)

They better make hay early, because it gets real tough there in the middle. If they aren't 5-1 through 6 or thereabouts, any hope of a good season goes out the door quickly in the middle 6-7 games. 8-8, and they might need 4-2 just to get there.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (7-9 Pythagorean +0.24)

May have made the biggest move in determining possible Super Bowl implications, but in the trade they made to MOVE a quarterback rather than get one. 5-11 in a rebuilding year.

DALLAS COWBOYS (4-12 Pythagorean -1.20)

The Cowboys are the ultimate case of that they should be getting pushed because of a huge-name quarterback. Sadly, the team is in such disarray right now and Romo is injured (and possibly DONE!) on top of it! 5-11.

NEW YORK GIANTS (6-10 Pythagorean -1.51)

Another one of those divisions that effectively goes to you by default. And not much more need be said about a team that always seems to be about one week from getting the coach fired. 8-8.

There's always got to be one division in the Goodell NFL that's “First to Eight Wins It”. Here you go.

NFC NORTH

Divisionals: NFC East, AFC South

For two teams that might put up some gaudy record numbers, about as good as you can get.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (10-6 Pythagorean +0.77)

I'm really of two minds. First, I think the NFL has begun a permanent de-push on the Packers for a more corporate-friendly situation in the next phase of post-9/11 NFL. Not only that, but two PED suspensions and nearly a third can't wear well with the league.

That said, they do have Aaron Rodgers, and, frankly, a very favorable schedule. That could lead a couple of very interesting directions. They get Seattle in the regular season, and I'd be surprised if they don't meet again in the playoffs. Exactly where depends on whether Sam Bradford can complement God-Fearing Child Beater into status as the NFL's Poster Child.

They are favored in every game they play, but they open Minnesota's new stadium in Week 2. Schedule says 13-14 wins. I'll mark it back to 11-5 because...

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (11-5 Pythagorean +1.23)

… I think the league really really wants to push God-Fearing Child Beater. The Pythagorean and a division title last year began it, and I think they're getting another one this year.

In a league that's pro-violence against women and children and anti-gay, Adrian Peterson is poised to be The Man in the NFL.

I would not have done this at all if they didn't at least get a serviceable name to replace Teddy Bridgewater. Sam Bradford is a name, but he doesn't have to be The Name, because of who's behind him. I'm going to pick 13-3, but if I'm wrong about the league pushing Peterson, 8-8 could be more likely. This is going to be one of the most obvious rig jobs if the Vikings are pushed to Super Bowl LI.

DETROIT LIONS (7-9 Pythagorean +0.05)

And now the two teams who probably are more likely than most to have to post apologies to their fans for having to broadcast their games.

If there's one guy the dirty hits and fucked rigged rulings on the field have more directly driven out of the league than Calvin Johnson's retirement, I'd like to find it. 5-11.

CHICAGO BEARS (6-10 Pythagorean -0.41)

Less said about these guys, the better. 4-12

NFC SOUTH

Divisionals: AFC West, NFC West

Hoo boy.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (15-1 Pythagorean +2.85)

I had written something different before last night. It is now clear that Cam Newton will have to sit, as at least three or four clear headbutt/charging incidents have concussed Newton. Carolina is NOT on the list, and I think goes 8-8 as a result.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (7-9 Pythagorean +0.45)

Perfect example of a name QB and no one else. That used to help. It doesn't anymore. Count on a couple possible bizarre wins at home, but anything better than 7-9 will require somehow finding a D in “New Orleans Saints” to make it worth pushing Drew Brees.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-10 Pythagorean -0.15)

Jameis Winston, nuff said. Not quite his time yet. He's going to have to wait a couple more years for his turn. When it comes, though, rape apologists are gonna love the NFL. 7-9, and that's Winston only. Schedule is more 3-13, 4-12 level.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-8 Pythagorean +0.17)

Probably in a bit of a holding pattern/mini-push for the new Space Station. 10-6 and the division by default.

NFC WEST

Divisionals: NFC South, AFC East

Let's start with the easy one:

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (5-11 Pythagorean +1.15)

If there were a team I could predict, season beginning, to go 0-16, here you go. A franchise that, because of discipline problems among the players and complete incompetence in the front office, should be investigated by the league.

Saddest thing is they are going to be the only team in the Bay Area in 12 months. A lot of people are going to drop football in the Bay Area as a result.

LOS ANGELES RAMS (7-9 Pythagorean +0.54)

Two years from now, expect a BIG rig-push for this team. They might even get a rig or two this year to help out because the league has wanted teams in Los Angeles for so damn long, it's not funny! This year (and probably next) in the Coliseum are about setting the table. 8-8, and that's with help.

ARIZONA CARDINALS (13-3 Pythagorean +1.12)

Definite overachievers last year. Hence, dial it one back to 12-4.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

I had heard a lot of scuttle on Seattle in the off-season, and could not figure out why!! Then I saw the propensity of dirty hits in the college games of the first weekend, and got it full-square. The real question (and one of the reasons any of five NFC teams could win the Super Bowl this year) is just who's going to get the push.

If it's about blasting people's heads off and smack-talking them so they jack you up in the post-game handshakes (“I'm gonna punch you in the face.”), it will be Seattle again, all the way. (And it's starting out that way – will it still be that way in December and January??) If not, things could go very differently. Another one of those teams, depending on who is pushed, could go 13-3/14-2 or 8-8. It will be a defensive-heavy presentation if Seattle is to return to it's third Super Bowl in Druggie Carroll's run. Prediction is 13-3.

Seattle will edge Minnesota for home field.
Atlanta 3, Giants 4, Green Bay 5, Arizona 6.

Green Bay beats the Giants. Atlanta beats Arizona.

And now it comes down to who gets the push.

Green Bay-Seattle comes down to what they want. I'm going to pick the Pack here, because I'm going to pick Minnesota to upend Atlanta.

Much like the last Green Bay Super Bowl victory, the NFL gets to push a marquee first-grade NFL rivalry...

… but this time, God-Fearing Child Beater and the MINNESOTA VIKINGS go to Houston.


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