I swear to God... I mean... No. Just... NO! JUST... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought Game 2 was bad.

I thought Game 3 was worse...

But nothing prepared me for what happened in Game 5!!!

NOTHING.

Keuchel was nowhere to be found tonight.  3-0 after 1, and he doesn't even make it 4.

But that fourth inning was a complete motherfucking insanity that may have laid the final straw to the end of a 40-year fandom of this sport (not mine -- mine hasn't lasted 40 years, but that's about gone too after tonight!).

And it started at the top of the inning.  An inning which took forever, and enter Bill Miller, the third home-plate umpire this series to blatantly hand a game to the Houston Astros:

• Cody Bellinger leads off.  Second pitch is 2" low on the FOX tracker.  MLB has it on the low border of the zone for 0-2.
• But there is no dispute on the Strike Three call.  That ball was 4-6 inches outside, called strike three and NOWHERE CLOSE.
• Logan Forsythe:  The 1-1 pitch was 2-3 inches clean inside on the tracker.  Strike two.  He does, however, eventually double.
• Yasiel Puig:  The 2-1 pitch was another 4-6 inches inside.  Strike two.  He K's on swinging on a pitch in the same spot.  2 out.
• After the Dodgers made it 4-0 and chased Keuchel, the first pitch from Gregorson to Chris Taylor, with runners on first and second, is pretty clearly inside (MLB does think it's close to the corner, but FOX didn't!).  Taylor K's to end the inning.  All three outs, strikeouts, and all umpire-aided.
• So, bottom of the fourth, Kershaw on the mound after a long top of the fourth in which the umpires would only allow Los Angeles one run.
• Runner on first, and here comes Bregman.  Another difference of opinion on the 1-1, MLB has it inside corner, FOX well off the corner.
• Then the ensuing 2-1 had no dispute:  STRIKE TWO, high outside corner, called ball three.  He flies out.
• But now the table is set and Kershaw can't get anyone out high, and, by the end of all of it, SUSPENDED RACIST SHITHEAD ties the game on a three-run jack where the fans were seen giving the same racist gesture back to him when he rounded the bases!
• There you go, Manfred:  Your lack of spine has helped change the series, and your order is not done, is it???
• By the end of the inning, it's 4-4, and it's bloody on in Houston!

Fifth inning:

• Two walks, two on nobody out for the Dodgers, and Kike Hernandez is struck out on a pitch 4-6" outside again!
• Cody Bellinger says "Fuck this", and homers to make it 7-4.
• Yasiel Puig gets another inside pitch called a strike, and strikes out again to end the inning.
• Two walks chase Kershaw, Maeda comes in, three-run jack to Altuve and it's 7-7!

Sixth inning:

• Two out nobody on for the Dodgers:  Corey Seager gets a 3" off the plate pitch called a strike for strike one, he's out on strikes.

Seventh inning:

• Kike Hernandez, runner on 2nd, nobody out, and ANOTHER 2" off the plate called a strike.  Fielder's choice erases the runner on 2nd, but Bellinger breaks the tie with a triple.
• Brandon Morrow could get no one out, and by the time he's done, it's 11-8 in favor of Houston.  Punctuated by Carlos Correa, after a pitch at the knees over the plate was called a ball.  Morrow threw eight pitches and gave up four runs.
• Looking to have successfully finished the job, the umps give a Dodger pitcher only about the third such call tonight in aiding Evan Gattis to end the inning.

Eighth inning:

• Before Chris Taylor was plunked, another inside called Strike One.
• Dodgers get a run for 11-9.
• Cingrani does get a gift strike one for Marvin Gonzalez, he lines out.
• But another home run later, the Astros are 12-9 up and it looks sane for them, right?

WRONG!

• Puig hits a two-run jack, and Chris Taylor singles in Austin Barnes, and it's 12-12 and the game goes into extra innings and over five hours!

And then the umps, realizing the Dodgers won't go away, just decide to end it for them!!!

• Two out, bottom of the 10th, 12-12...
• McCann hit by a pitch.
• Springer walks, and TWO PITCHES of that sequence, balls two and four, were at the top of the zone!
• That, of course, means a home run is no longer needed, and, with no high pitch, Jansen throws a low outside strike, hit to left, game over, 13-12, and the umps can pat themselves on the back.

4-0 to 4-4
to 7-4
to 7-7
to 8-7
to 11-8 Houston
to 11-9 Houston
to 12-9 Houston
to 12-12
to 13-12 after a rigged walk.

A sampling:

LOL

— MLB (@MLB) October 30, 2017

MLB's official Twitter account after the game was tied 12-12!

The balls in my pants have less juice in them then the balls in this game

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) October 30, 2017

And yes, that is the blue checkmark. Jose Canseco (who, in addition to the roids, played his first two years in Oakland in another juiced-ball era!) with an obvious comment about the game tonight.

And Deadspin reporting on the explosion of home runs in this Series.  Seven tonight, 22 overall, and, in five games, the record for the most home runs in a World Series...

... and, oh by the way, they've been pumping that T-Mobile donation thing too -- each one of those is worth $20,000 to Houston hurricane relief.  (OK, OK, I guess Florida and Puerto Rico too.)

I have a friend of mine who's giving up baseball after this shit.  40 years a baseball fan, might remain a historian, but DONE with the current game after the Gurriel nonsense and the fact that the umpires are taking the best players for the Dodgers, year in and year fucking out, out of the Series.

Thanks, Manfred.

And, oh, by the way...  What was it, about 12:40 AM Houston time Monday morning when that shit ended?

So when it's the Eastern superteams, are we looking at about 6 PM Eastern starts???