So it's finally that time.
Seriously.
It's finally the time we get to take
stock and I predict where the NFL will book this season.
And, I will admit, I usually look like
an idiot doing so. I mean, I didn't see the “Harbaugh Bowl”
coming that one year (even though VISA had actually done commercials
with the Harbaughs before the season). I based much of the league's
booking last year on a defensive player who got IR'd in Week 2.
That said, and I really hate to say
this given the team involved: This is about the easiest I have ever
seen a season going. Not hard when you realize this is now getting
to be a league in which the Most Favored Nation is the ONLY relevant
team.
I'll get to that when I get to them.
So let's get started and I hope I can actually keep this to 256-256
by the end of it.
NFC West:
Really a tough one to score here.
SEATTLE (10-5-1 last year, 2016
Pythagorean +0.706): Your one semi-relevant team in this division is
aging fast, mouthing off about both supporting the Kaepernick
protests and the ongoing road to labor strife, two things that will
thrill the NFL brass to no end... It still has “Football Over
Life”, which will be a large part of this year's football in both
college and pro, with it's “12th Man”, but how far
does this go when it's clear that they are pissing off the power of
the league?
I mean, it's clear that the NFL wants
to push Seattle if they'd shut their mouths (they gave them an
obvious rigged win for the Patriots' second loss on Sunday Night
Football), but... Week 1 in Green Bay may tell the story here of
which of the two teams (if either) gets an NFC push.
ARIZONA (7-8-1, -1.850): There's just
nothing relevant about this team except they seem to be a nice, safe,
last resort in case everything else fails. The thing is, this might
well be the case this year with Seattle mouthing off and two teams in
the division who might not even merit NFL consideration as
professional teams.
And speaking of...
LOS ANGELES RAMS (4-12, +0.675): If it
could've gone worse for the Lambs in Season One, I really would like
to know how. It's clear the league probably had to give them all
four victories, take one look at the situation between them and the
LA Chargers, and probably deliberately delay the new stadium a year
because a new stadium with this degree of excrement in it might well
be a wasted investment, even if it hosts the 2028 Opening Ceremony.
Let me give you two stats on how bad it
got last year: First, Jack in the Box (in the Rams area) gave a free
Jumbo Jack (it's budget full burger) if the Rams scored two
touchdowns. They cashed that only SIX times. Second, that
Pythagorean number I showed you. Again, that's points scored to a
power over points scored to that power plus points allowed to that
power. A positive number means they should've won FEWER games than
they did.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-14, -2.167):
But then you get to this mess, and you wonder why the league isn't
launching a full-scale investigation. San Francisco has been a joke
ever since the Kaepernick-led Super Bowl run went bust because we had
to giver Murderer Ray-Ray another ring. Mismanagement and the like
have left the Bay Area without any degree of a football team,
watching for the next Napa wine-tasting event.
DIVISIONALS: AFC South, NFC East.
They'll be in the middle of at least one major set of storylines in
the NFC with how much the NFC East may be turning into the
NFClusterfuck. The AFC South is probably going to lag a bit, some
people thinking Tennessee might actually make some noise.
PREDICTION:
Seattle 10-6 (and I'm not crazy about
this pick)
Arizona 10-6
San Francisco 5-11 (a rising tide lifts
all ships)
Rams 5-11 (with as much help to get
there as they did to get the 4-12 last year)
NFC South:
ATLANTA (11-5, +0.395): The big
question in this division is if the NFL will be forced to go the
Atlanta-as-Useful-Idiots route again. It's clear to anyone with a
pulse they were NOT the NFL's first choice in the NFC last year. Cam
Newton, I think, was officially targeted by the NFL for injury last
season as a message that the league was turning MAGA, but, given that
even Rodgers vs. Brady would not give the proper narrative for Brady
as GOAT and heading to jordon-esque, they served up Atlanta and
created the Greatest Ever Comeback and we all were left with our jaws
on the ground.
I mean, they aren't at the Last Resort
level this year because of last year, but there is no feasible way
they'd win without one major injury sending the entire NFL narrative
this season tits-up.
CAROLINA (6-10, -1.191): After being
served up for the Peyton Manning Retirement Party, the NFL decided to
see if they could drum Cam Newton out of the sport with injuries last
year – deliberately!! And now Newton is getting on the Kaepernick
bandwagon, saying as Week 1 preparations open that Kaepernick is
better than a number of the current quarterbacks.
Hmmm... That's not going to sit well.
TAMPA BAY (9-7, +1.393) The Rapeis
Winston Push Tour continues, as the rapist is probably getting one of
the larger early pushes not involving a Dallas Cowboy the last couple
of years. Three wins for Tampa to get him was followed by years of
six and nine wins. Especially given an NFC which, frankly, lacks a
clear case for the Super Bowl push, it might be enough to get Rapeis
in the playoffs, but fully sending him to Minneapolis in February
might still be a bridge too far.
NEW ORLEANS (7-9, -1.308): Drew Brees
is still there, but there is still no D in New Orleans – so bad
that Brees is the first quarterback in history to put his stats on a
prennially losing team. There are people actually seriously positing
that New England could lose to New Orleans in Week 2 (the game is in
New Orleans, and the Superdome is a tough place to play, I'll buy
into those things), but what kind of score would you have to have to
pull that one off: Over 100 total?
DIVISIONALS: AFC East, NFC North.
Some definite hay to be made there with the Bears, Jets, probably the
Vikings...
PREDICTION:
Atlanta 11-5
Tampa Bay 10-6
Carolina 8-8
New Orleans 6-10
NFC North:
CHICAGO (3-13, -1.798): Not much hope
for these Bears. They finally get rid of Cutler, and will probably
find out it wasn't his fault in the first place! There's a reason
they've only won 14 games in three seasons shortly after a challenge
for the NFC title a few years back. I mean, they (as a shoot) aren't
very good and (as an NFL work) aren't very marketable either!
MINNESOTA (8-8, -0.597): Marketability
is another question mark here too. It isn't just the quarterback
situation, as is the NFL meme. The fact is that Minnesota just
doesn't have someone that can sell on the NFL stage – and the Super
Bowl Host Curse doesn't help matters any.
DETROIT (9-7, +1.323): Why am I more
sold on Detroit than most? It's clear that, on some level, the
league is trying to push Matthew Stafford on us (does anyone honestly
believe, though, this guy is now the highest paid player in the NFL's
history? SERIOUSLY???), and there have been at least a pair of
division-title Detroit-Green Bay final-week games, and guess who
plays on the final week again, and, again, it's in Detroit!!
GREEN BAY (10-6, +0.987): Yeah, they
ran the table, but to what effect? They beat the most-fined team
last year (New York Giants) and the most-suspended team last year
(Cowboys, on the day the Ezekiel Elliot investigation was first
admitted!) before getting run by Atlanta-as-Useful-Idiots. The Green
Bay Packers under Aaron Rodgers are the Koko B. Ware of the NFL:
Jobbers to the Stars, getting nothing more unless there are truly no
further options. One of the largest suspension records for drugs the
last three years and a burgeoning fine list aren't helping matters
any!
DIVISIONALS: NFC South, AFC North.
That's tough. You get Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and Baltimore
for starters, and Rapeis Winston lurking around with Tampa as well,
and a New Orleans that will make at least your offense be on point!
PREDICTION
Green Bay 10-6 (REALLY not crazy about
this pick, but the dominoes are falling elsewhere)
Detroit 10-6 (Don't undersell the
league pushing Stafford.)
Minnesota 6-10
Chicago 5-11 (see San Francisco –
there's going to be a lot of irrelevant shit football played)
NFC East:
WASHINGTON (8-7-1, +0.184): Until
their ownership and their nickname are changed, they might get the
occasional playoff berth, nothing more. The only real question about
this team, especially after the Matthew Stafford contract, is if
(and, if not, where) Kirk Cousins gets paid. (For what he would get
paid for, you tell me because I don't know...)
Oh, that, and how many fines or
suspensions Josh Gordon picks up.
PHILADELPHIA (7-9, -1.974): Do not
sleep on a team willing to take cheap shots at everyone in their path
in this clusterfuck of an NFC. They don't appear to have a great
marketability about them, but it is clear from the first preseason
game that a message was sent: Hit, and hit to hurt. That might take
away enough options that the MAGA Football fans might take notice.
That's a might, make no mistake. But it's about the only real
shot they have.
NEW YORK GIANTS (11-5, +2.173): If
Odell Beckham Jr. misses significant time or ends up IR'd, there goes
their season – the analysts are right. And, the fact is, if OBJ is
on the field, behaves, and stays healthy, this might be the next team
on The List (after Dallas and Seattle fall off) to go to the Super
Bowl. They would make great Useful Idiots for 19-0 (being about the
only kryptonite to this New England run of any kind, including one
where they became the one in 18-1!).
DALLAS (13-3, +2.112): OK, we all know
Zeke's gonna be allowed to play for a while. This situation ain't
going away with some Federal judge. If there's been one owner who's
wanted to help Goodell (if you see fit, as my friend does, to believe
the whole thing as Kabuki Theatre with player discipline) or get him
fired (if you see this as more of a shoot), it's Jerry Jones.
But let us have facts be facts for a
second:
- 2014-15: Season is effectively ended on a controversial call of Dez Bryant catching the ball (ruled not) in Green Bay. This, after Greg Hardy was on the Commissioner's Reserve List for HIS domestic violence situation for almost all of that season, and suspended 10 games the next.
- 2015-16: Goes from 12-4 to 4-12. Two other Cowboys, including Randy Gregory's first strike, are suspended for portions of this season.
- 2016-17: Goes from 4-12 to 13-3, and appears to have a gilded path to the Super Bowl after Trump's election – until the league is forced to admit they are investigating Ezekiel Elliot for domestic violence, as NFL fans were wondering the entire regular season! Also, the Cowboys suffer seven suspensions, including 4 for Rolando McClain and 2 additional for Randy Gregory.
- 2017-18: Will begin the season, unless anything is announced between now and Sunday night, with six players responsible to the team on the suspended list (two cut, Zeke suing, one of the two life-banned is now a UFA), as well as two other players who are still under investigation for suspension for offseason incidents.
The Dallas Cowboys, as ran by Jerry
Jones, are an embarrassment to the National Football League. As
such, they have been basically the only story this preseason. And
none of what has happened to this team has been any degree of an
accident or a non-engineered result.
There are really only two options with
these Cowboys, and we may find out about all of that by about the
Packer game in Week 5. Are they going 6-10, or are they going to the
Super Bowl as Team GrabHerInThePussy?
DIVISIONALS: NFC North, AFC West. You
get the favor that is what's left of the Chargers and Bears, but some
real corkers in Oakland, Kansas City, and Green Bay.
PREDICTION
New York Giants 10-6 (the Beckham
injury is everything here – he's healthy, Super Bowl he's not???)
Philadelphia 9-7 (do not underestimate
a heavy-hitting longshot going deep)
Washington 7-9
Dallas 6-10 (it's either-or – it's
6-10 or worse or the Super Bowl – how much does the league want to
buy into GrabHerInThePussy?)
So I have the following:
I have Atlanta at 11-5 winning the
South.
I'll grimace and put Green Bay over
Detroit in Week 17 again (Aaron Rodgers is one of the most popular
players in the league after all...) in the North
Arizona pips Seattle in the West in
what will be an increasingly chaotic situation in Seattle – which
probably will merit it's own post after what we have found out the
last few days.
And the Giants in the East.
Seedings: Atlanta the 1, Giants the 2,
Green Bay the 3, Arizona the 4.
Wildcards: I have Detroit, Seattle,
and Tampa at 10-6 not winning divisions. So I'll pick Detroit and
Tampa.
Green Bay and Tampa win the wildcard
weekend.
And then it really comes down to where
the league wants to go. Unfortunately, there is not enough
information right now to make a final Super Bowl pick in the NFC,
but, since I pretty much have to with the opening kickoff less than
two hours away, and this is with the HUGE caveat that there is a
major injury from a cheap shot that might already scuttle this:
Who has been the one kryptonite to
prevent the five Super Bowls from becoming seven, and one of them
19-0?
I'll take the NEW YORK GIANTS to
represent the NFC.
