Deadspin Hits The Nail on the Head Again

I just drew a suspension for the first three games of the 1998 NFL season.

(I meant 1998 for a reason.)

How do I know this?

Deadspin strikes again!!

Meet the Deadspin NFL Punishment Generator!

First, it will ask for a verbal indication of "what you did".

Then, based on the answers to a number of questions, such as the involvement of audio and video, did you embarrass Goodell, the involvement of animals, were you sorry, did you cry..., the NFL Punishment Generator will determine your suspension.

Examples posted to the comments section (with the disclaimer that these are only as accurate (in any spoofs of real-life cases) as the answers to the questions the commenters gave in the specific cases are):

• Murdering a hobo with a box full of steroids gets you 10 games.
• Interrupting Peter King and Roger Goodell during sex, same penalty.
• Wes Welker, for his drug stuff and concussions, 3 games.
• Sports Illustrated actually came up with a different such generator, so the Deadspin staff has been suspended 8 games for the coincidence.  :)  (It appears the SI one is completely random, as you only put a verbal description of the offense in, and it writes a spoof letter from Goodell with your punishment.)

(For the aforementioned offense, I must now serve as Stephen A. Smith's personal assistant for two weeks.  (A less specific depictment actually would've gotten me a simple punishment of having to get Roger Goodell's tattoo somewhere on my body.))