Thursday, July 30, 2015

Another life made better by football! YAY FOOTBALL!!!

(hattip to my anonymous friend again, for the info AND for the title)

Because it's another sacrifice to the altar of football.

Mike Pyle, center for the 1963 Chicago Bears, died today after CTE-laced dementia put him in a group home and basically on the discard piles the NFL has left countless dozens of NFL players.

But, hey, he entertained us, right?

RIGHT??

YAY FOOTBALL!!!

*puke*

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Deadspin Hits The Nail on the Head Again

I just drew a suspension for the first three games of the 1998 NFL season.

(I meant 1998 for a reason.)

How do I know this?

Deadspin strikes again!!

Meet the Deadspin NFL Punishment Generator!

First, it will ask for a verbal indication of "what you did".

Then, based on the answers to a number of questions, such as the involvement of audio and video, did you embarrass Goodell, the involvement of animals, were you sorry, did you cry..., the NFL Punishment Generator will determine your suspension.

Examples posted to the comments section (with the disclaimer that these are only as accurate (in any spoofs of real-life cases) as the answers to the questions the commenters gave in the specific cases are):
  • Murdering a hobo with a box full of steroids gets you 10 games.
  • Interrupting Peter King and Roger Goodell during sex, same penalty.
  • Wes Welker, for his drug stuff and concussions, 3 games.
  • Sports Illustrated actually came up with a different such generator, so the Deadspin staff has been suspended 8 games for the coincidence.  :)  (It appears the SI one is completely random, as you only put a verbal description of the offense in, and it writes a spoof letter from Goodell with your punishment.)
(For the aforementioned offense, I must now serve as Stephen A. Smith's personal assistant for two weeks.  (A less specific depictment actually would've gotten me a simple punishment of having to get Roger Goodell's tattoo somewhere on my body.))

And There's The Lawsuit...

Filed today, NFLPA involved.

You now have to think most (insane) options are on the table.

Including, at least in my personal opinion, if the NFLPA really wants to get uppity, a work stoppage from one side or the other!

There are definite Constitutional questions here, without any doubt at all, both in the appeal process and in the personal-property situation.

Strap in, and one word to Mr. Brady:  Watch your knees.  You probably will win an injunction to play, but that doesn't mean the Ginger Hammer isn't going to want to see you crippled by Week 4.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

And Another NFL Suspension-Reduction Farce

And if you want another reason why, to Roger Goodell and the NFL, it is costlier to fuck with the NFL than it is to fuck with the police:

Pittsburgh's Le'Veon Bell has had his DUI suspension reduced from three games to two.

Keep this in mind with Tom Brady:  It is costlier to fuck with the NFL than it is with the police.

Super Farce XLIX, The Cheats: Brady got off easy, IF AND ONLY IF this legally stands.

I'm going to show you two incidents of leagues with far more integrity than the National Football League, and incidents in their championship matches which show that the leagues take it even a level more seriously when an egregious action "brings the game into disrepute".

They're both rugby.  This first one is from the 2013 English Rugby Premiership Grand Final between Leicester and Northampton.


Hartley, nearing the end of a first half where Leicester leads by 13 points to Hartley's Northampton side's 5, has already had one serious warning from the official at the top of the video.  So there's already been one exchange where Hartley has been smarting off to the official.

Northampton illegally (and disputedly) believes it has a penalty rather than a scrum, to the head official awards the option to Leicester, who takes a scrum, and another penalty is called on Northampton within the scrum.

All this in added time of the first half.

Hartley is then abruptly sent off.  He is the first player in the history of the championship match of that league to get expelled from the match.  The second penalty is decided to be kicked for three points, and halftime is blown with Leicester leading 16-5.  Leicester wins the championship 37-17.

And then we find out why the referee was so quick in sending Hartley off...

Hartley -- who, by this time, was already banned three different occasions by the league (and tacked two more on for a total of six since!) -- was reported for calling the referee a "fucking cheat".

For this, he was banned ELEVEN WEEKS and thrown off the British tour of Australia.

If you want to see a good analogue to Brady and the Patriots, look at this track record:
  • 2007:  Banned half a year and forced to see a psychologist after an eye-gouging incident.
  • 2012:  Banned 8 weeks for biting in a Six Nations match.
  • 2012:  Banned 2 more weeks for a punch in a league cup match.
  • 2013:  Banned 11 weeks for the above-referred incident.
  • 2014:  Banned 3 weeks for an elbow to the head.
  • 2015:  Banned 4 weeks for a headbutt, and thrown off the England 2015 World Cup team (they host, starting in September) as a result.
What this asshole is still doing in rugby is beyond any sense of my comprehension.  This guy has been banned over a solid calendar year for SIX different incidents in eight years.

But the point is here:  He's banned 8 weeks for biting after the gouging incident, but telling the referee off in a Grand Final is made eleven?  That tells you how important the English take their championship matches.

Now, to one of the most egregious championship match rugby fouls in the history of the game:  Ben Flower. 

Literally a minute and forty-five seconds into the Grand Final of the Super League (a different UK rugby league than previously mentioned) between St. Helens and Wigan, Wigan's Ben Flower absolutely cold-cocks St. Helens' Lance Hohaia, and then adds one to the unconscious Hohaia for good measure.

Rightly, he is expelled from the match.


The problem should be obvious:  What in the motherfucking Hell is Ben Flower doing committing such an obvious sending-off offense less than two minutes into the match, unless he was actually trying to fix the match?

That was not considered by the tribunal.  The league banned Flower for the longest time in the history of the league for simply an on-field act, six months.  It was believed, and possible, Flower could (and, especially that the incident no less than ENDED HOHAIA'S RUGBY CAREER!!!!, should) have been banned for life.

But the fact is that the incident took place as part of the championship match cannot be understated as an aggravating factor.

That said (and even I will admit this is a big IF -- though some early talk from ESPN's supposed legal eagles says Brady will lose), IF this legally stands, Brady probably got off easy.

The whole point of me bringing up these two incidents:

Anyone who wants to tell me the rout New England put on Indianapolis was not at least partially precipitated upon and partially aggravated by New England's illegal manipulation of their game balls is probably covering for the fix.

I'm not saying sole reason or aggravation by any stretch of the imagination, but the fact is that the increasingly-flagrant nature of this Deflate-Gate situation, as well as the aggravating factor of Spygate in the Patriot organization, must leave people to question how many of those four Super Bowl banners need to come down.

It is clear that the NFL doesn't care -- and, perhaps before the ratings came in from Super Farce XLIX, it was probably an Alfred E. Neuman "What?  Me Worry?" idea.

Now, it's going to be ENCOURAGED.  170,000,000 (minus a few of us who were awake) watching the rigged interception at the end spoke loud and clear.

Super Farce XLIX: The Cheats It may be time to reconsider my 2015 AFC prediction.

In what has to be considered a MAJOR surprise, Roger Goodell has UPHELD Tom Brady's 4 game Deflate-Gate suspension, setting up a Federal lawsuit and everything that's going to entail.

The only thing I can think of that would not represent a major sea change away from the Patriots is that Goodell expects to lose and is willing to use this as a means to be unable to suspend any player in the future for any reason whatsoever.

That, bluntly, would be right up Goodell's alley.  It also represents the fastest way for Roger Goodell to be removed as NFL Commissioner, by some degree of legal fiat.

I'll say right now:  As of before today, my Super Bowl prediction, based on the fact that the country has eaten up two of the most toxic sporting events in history this year, was New England vs. Dallas.

Super Bowl XLIX, Cheats vs. Thugs, broke all records by several million viewers, even though the country KNEW New England had no right to be in the game two weeks beforehand.

Any sports league with an ounce of integrity (and you can please insert your laugh tracks here) would've long since stripped the New England Patriots of the title and declared no champion for 2014-15.

America LOVED a bunch of drug-addled thugs playing a bunch of corporate cheats for the title, and there is no reason to believe the league game-fixers would not have wanted to double down.

Now, with Brady almost certain to hit The Nuclear Option on any most-favored relationship with the league (just ask Al Davis), there really are only two options at this point:

Goodell thinks he can win, or actually hopes he doesn't!

The problem with the latter approach is that it might be the one way someone steps in (and I'm NOT talking the owners -- I'm talking the result of the impending Federal lawsuit!!!) and rids the NFL of Roger Goodell.

Goodell has doubled down in the one way that, though we all know the NFL is far Too Big To Fail, might get an intrepid judge to stomp out Goodell.

But one thing is for certain, and you can ask any Oakland Raider fan of the last 35 years, and they'll tell you:

The one way to get on the NFL's bad side and destroy your franchise is to have a party openly sue the league with malice.

Tom Brady, to save his legacy and almost certainly at least the credibility of two of his team's championships, probably has to file a Federal lawsuit against the league in court, about six weeks before his team is scheduled to take the field in the league's season-opener.

Tom Brady has to become Al Davis, and, as a result, from my perspective, the AFC just got blown wide open.  Denver is probably too old, Indianapolis (who two major season-preview magazines have predicted would be in the Super Bowl) probably becomes a marginal favorite, and the rest is a real mish-mash to the point that several sources (including Harvard University) have actually posited the Miami Dolphins to be the AFC's favorite to go to the Super Bowl.

FIFA '15/CONCACAF: That Ended Well!!

(Hint:  No it didn't!)

First off, the United States loses the third-place match to Panama on penalties.  Probably a deserved result, but yet everybody wants to rag on Klinsmann.

Here's another hint:  He's too good for the quality of players he has.

The next match the USA will competitively play will be the playoff with Mexico for the Confederations Cup berth in October.

Not only is how they got there iffy, but they'll have a new coach when it's all said and done.

After two open referee-deliverances, Mexico Mexicoed Jamaica (who defeated the USA in their semifinal) 3-1 in the Gold Cup Final.

However, after which, at the airport to head home, Christian Martinoli, a Mexican journalist who has been quite critical of El Tri over the course of recent years, was punched by now-former Mexican coach Miguel Herrera, whose demeanor on the sideline, it is rumored, makes me look sane.

For this, today, Herrera was fired! And he should've been.

But isn't it always this way with Mexico (and CONCACAF in general)?  One step forward, how many back?